Jokes

I apologize in advance for anyone I have/may have offended.... Ellen


This is really fascinating information!!
Stuff you didn't know you didn't know!
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Every day more money
is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
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Men can read smaller
print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was
originally green.

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It is impossible to lick
your elbow.
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The State with the
highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
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The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28%
(now get this...)
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The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

$ 16,400

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The average number
of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour:

61,000

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Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper in their hair..

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The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

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The San Francisco   
Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments.
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Each king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander,
the Great

Diamonds - Julius
Caesar

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111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse
has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes

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Only two people
signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock
and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

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Q. Half of all
Americans live within 50 miles of what?


A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners
name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?

A.
Obsession

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Q.. If you were to
spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you


would find the letter 'A'?


A. One thousand
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Q. What do
bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
printers have in common?


A. All were invented
by women.

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Q. What is the only
food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

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Q. Which day are
there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?

A. Father's Day

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In Shakespeare's
time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'

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It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down.'


It's where we get
the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

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Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic

cups. When they needed a refill ,
they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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At least 75% of
people who read this will try to lick their
elbow!

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YOU
KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when...

1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.

4. You e-mail the
person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for
not staying in touch with f riends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the

groceries...

7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bot tom of the screen


8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it


10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee

11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading
this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually
scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list

~~~~~~~~~~~AND
FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at
yourself.


Go on, forward this
to your friends. You know you want to! Go lick your


elbow.




Spanish Computer

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora' or "la ordenadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador' or "el ordenador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2 They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and


4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model..



The women won.



 
 
To: All cat lovers
Subj: How to wash the cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet and remove the thing that makes the water blue.

2. Add an appropriate amount of shampoo, based upon the size of the cat, to the toilet water. Leave both lids up.

3. Retrieve the cat and soothe him/her as you carry him/her towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and immediately close both lids.

NOTE: You may need to stand on the lid.

CAUTION: Do not allow any part of your body to come too close to the edge of the toilet, as claws will be reaching for anything they can find.

5. Wait while the cat self-agitates, making ample suds.
NOTE: Disregard the noises coming from your toilet. The cat does actually enjoy this.

6. Flush the toilet three or four times to provide a “power-wash” and “rinse,” which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open a door to the outside and ensure that there are no people or other living things between the toilet and the outside world.

8. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. Consider using a towel or belt from a bathrobe to lift the lids. (See “CAUTION” on item number 4.)

9. The cat will fly from the toilet, and run outside where he will thoroughly dry himself with no further assistance.

Good luck. This really does work!

Sincerely,

The Dog




This  blonde is one smart lady.

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She bet
twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...
'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men...are men.



The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT..

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid
of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she
sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and
live longer!

Have a nice day!



HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.... 

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. 
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept 
>staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. 
I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's 
my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right 
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" 
And then the fight started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first,
the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. 
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her 
seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away 
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a 
short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when 
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and 
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, 
so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, 
and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different 
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband 
is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started...


GIRLFRIENDS
 
A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for
dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Dairy Queen
next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them
and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and
they might see him and they can ride their bikes there. 

10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they
should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at
the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks,
the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right
near the gym and if they go late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny
little kids.

10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the
waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the
Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list
was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is
good for your cholesterol.

10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at
the Ocean View restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early
bird special.

10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at
the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was
handicapped accessible and they even had an elevator!

10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at
the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.



A REAL man is a woman's best friend.

He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she is the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be very confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.

No wait,.............sorry,..................I was thinking of wine and good beer.


Yea, it's wine and beer that does all that.


SERIOUS THOUGHT FOR THE DAY..

It is said "women are angels"...

And when someone breaks their wings...

They still continue to fly,,,,,,,,,,,,
 
on a broomstick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
They're flexible like that.


Beware….
 
IDIOT  SIGHTING

When  my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were  told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I  watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician,  'it's open!'  His reply: 'I know.  I already got that  side.'

This  was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

 
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the  opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a  1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's  not.' Four is larger than two.'        

We  haven't used Sears repair since.


 IDIOT  SIGHTING:

  My  daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk  a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you  gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know,  but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.  She sighed and went  to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me  back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of  thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in  change.  
 
Do  not confuse the clerks at McD's.

 
IDIOT  SIGHTING  :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local  township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't  think this is a good place for  them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS

 
IDIOT  SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE  :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell  
and ordered a taco. She asked the  person behind
the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceburg lettuce.
 -- From Kansas City  

 
IDIOT  SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee  asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To  which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled  knowingly and nodded,
  'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham ,  Ala.  


 IDIOT  SIGHTING  :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was  crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when th e light  is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing  driving?!'

She  was a probation officer inWichita , KS  

 
IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the  company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We  should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at  each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at  Texas Instruments.  

 
IDIOT SIGHTING :  
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and  for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas  County Sheriffs office, no  less.  



How would you pronounce this child's name?  

        "Le-a"  

Leah??                NO
Lee - A??            NOPE
Lay - a??             NO
Lei??                   Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."  

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.


STAY ALERT!

They walk among  us ... and they VOTE and REPRODUCE!

  

The Man Rules
            At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

              Finally , the guys' side of the story.
            ( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
            We always hear " the rules"
            From the female side....

              Now here are the rules from the male side.

            These are our rules!
            Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
            ON PURPOSE!

            1.  Men are NOT mind readers.
            ( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

            1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
            You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
            We need it up, you need it down.
            You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

            1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
            or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.

            1. Crying is blackmail.

            1. Ask for what you want.
            Let us be clear on this one:
            Subtle hints do not work!
            Strong hints do not work!
            Obvious hints do not work!
            Just say it!

            1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost
every question.

            1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That's what we do.
            Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

            1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
            In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

            1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.

            1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one
of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the  other one

            1. You can either ask us to do something
            Or tell us how you want it done.  Not both.
            If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

            1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say
during commercials..

            1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither
do we.

            1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
            Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also
a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

            1. If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.

            1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act
like nothing's wrong.
            We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

            1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect
an answer you don't want to hear.

            1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine... Really .

            1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.

            1. You have enough clothes.

            1. You have too many shoes.

            1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

            1. Thank you for reading this.
            Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

            But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

            Pass this to as many men as you can -
            to give them a laugh.

            Pass this to as many women as you can -

            to give them a bigger laugh.



A little known  fact.... 
  
The first testicular guard, the "Cup", 
Was used in Hockey in 1874 and 
The first helmet was used in 1974. 
That means it only took 100 years  for men to realize that their brain
is also important.

Ladies.....Quit  Laughing.



HELL EXPLAINED   
 BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
 
The following is an actual question given on a  University  of Arizona  chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.  
  
The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :  
 
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?  
  
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.  
  
 One student, however, wrote the following:  
  
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  
  
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
  
This gives two possibilities:  
 
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.  
  
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.  
  
So which is it?  
  
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'  
 
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.



GREAT  WOMANISMS

Fw: Puns 
I've seen some of these before, but there might be some new to you.
    Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
    A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
    Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
    Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
    Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
    A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
    A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play
     Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
    Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
    Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
    When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
    A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
    What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
    She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
    A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
    If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
    With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
    The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
    You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
    Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
    Every calendar's days are numbered.
    A lot of money is tainted -  Taint yours and taint mine.
    A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
    He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
    A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
    Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
    Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
    Acupuncture is a jab well done.



MARRIAGE  SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with  communication,

Joe and his wife Ann listened to the  instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know  each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the  man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite  flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and  whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't  it?



Subject: Mammograms
 
Mammograms
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home. 

 EXERCISE ONE: 
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.. 

EXERCISE TWO: 
Visit your garage at 3am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast. 

EXERCISE THREE: 
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.. 

YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED! 
AND, just a thought for all the women out there........ MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, 
MENopause............... Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.............And When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!! 
Send this to all women to have a laugh AND, don't forget to have a mammogram!!!!!! 
 
 A Friend Is Like A Good Bra.... 
Hard to Find 
Supportive 
Comfortable 
Always Lifts You Up 
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging 
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!! 
Share this with a friend! 
I DID

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